[***]
Hi, Peg.
Gee, you must have misunderstood me this morning.
I said you should buy a vegetable.
Gee, and guess I must have misunderstood you last night
when you said: "Brace yourself.
This time it's gonna be good."
Any mail?
Oh, yeah.
Something did come today.
Let's see, what did it say, uh...
"Open immediately. Urgent. Do not delay."
Something like that.
Gee, where could it be?
Oh.
Here it is.
Oh, good.
Those ashes from Sharper Image I ordered came.
Hey, this is from Polk High School.
What could they be writing to me about after all these years?
Well, maybe they've retired your stall
in the boy's bathroom.
Hot diggety, dog diggety,
Boom! What you do to me.
Hey, look!
They want me to introduce the football team's M.V.P.
at the homecoming dance, Friday night.
"We're seeking one of the great football heroes
"of the Chicago-land area.
"That's why we've asked you,
Mr. Gale Sayers..."
No, that's crossed out.
"Mr. Jim McMahon." Crossed out.
"Mr. Walter Payton, Mr. Mike Singletary,
Mr. Abe Vigoda"?
All crossed out.
Ah, here we go.
"Mr. Alf...Bundy."
They still remember.
Oh, Alf.
Yup. And I'll bet they'll wanna hear a little speech.
You know, I've got much to say to America's youth.
If I just help one kid not marry,
my job is done.
Woof, woof, woof!
[BOYS HOWLING]
Did you hear that?
You'd think a science teacher would have more dignity.
So, gnome.
Everyone's gonna be at the homecoming dance.
Where you gonna be?
Hey, I'll be there... with a date.
Oh, who's gonna be the girl this year,
you or Joey?
Ho-ho, one over easy.
I got me a hot date. Heather McCoy.
Heather McCoy?
The one you were in love with in sixth grade?
The one who took you skinny dipping,
stole your clothes, then ran your underwear up a flagpole?
Yup.
Bud, why don't you just go out with somebody who likes you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Buck has outgrown his party dress.
Good one, human trampoline.
As it happens, Heather's quite taken with me.
Why would someone as popular as Heather McCoy
wanna go out with someone as popular as eye-snot?
[GIGGLING]
Hush, hush, sweet harlot.
Here she comes.
Hi, Bud. Are we still on for the dance, Friday?
I shall drink in your beauty,
as the bee does the nectar of the flower.
Isn't he a dream?
How did you do that?
Research.
I've been studying her since the sixth grade...
plotting, planning,
cataloging her likes and dislikes.
And now, the time is right to strike,
for I'm at the zenith of my studliness.
Five long years and now, finally, she's mine.
You still love her, huh?
Nope.
I'm after revenge, baby.
Sweet, pure, uncut revenge.
Why bother? I mean, that was five years ago.
Nobody remembers your underwear up on a flagpole.
I pledge allegiance
to the underwear of
the united shorts of Bud Bundy.
Yeah, no one but the 75 kids who do that to me every day.
That's why I'm gonna get Heather McCoy.
Phase one is now completed.
What's phase two,
you touch her on the knee and then start to cry?
Not quite,
O-she-whose-head- can-never-be-seen-in-a-car.
Phase two comes Friday.
We dance, she's looking up at me
engulfed in the cool that is I.
And then, at 10 o'clock sharp,
I dance her over to the big floor vent,
which, by Friday, will be set on a timer.
And at precisely 10:00,
an industrial fan whooshes through the vent
like dad on a bologna bender,
and blows her dress up.
And the world will see her underwear!
Revenge! Revenge!
MAN [ON TV]: Tonight at 8:00,
what's black and white and funny all over?
Gary Coleman and Ned Beatty are:
Ethan and the Jackal.
Two wrongly-fired Harvard professors
who love the classics and hate crime.
Come, watch us now.
Whoa.
Hi, Peggy.
Gee, you know, I was thinking.
Maybe I ought to take a picture of your behind.
Then, that way, if the couch was ever stolen,
the police could match the prints
with at least one of the cushions.
Oh, come on, Al.
You know you love your honey buns.
Remember, you used to rub them every night
before you went to sleep.
Yeah, but it's just that I hate to go to sleep
with the smell of feet on my hands.
All right, now be quiet, let me work on my speech.
Look, Al, all they want you to do
is to announce this year's M.V.P.
and then slink off into the shadows of obscurity
where you belong.
It's just killing ya that someone remembers me. Isn't it?
That someone thinks of me as more than just a shoe salesman,
or the family wallet,
or the running joke at the beauty parlor.
These people want me
'cause I'm a genuine football hero.
They'll probably wanna see some mementos, too.
Where's my old football helmet?
Well, judging from the shape of your head,
I'd say your scalp grew over it.
You know, when you talk like this,
I just wanna get down on my knees
and bite your ankles like a pit bull.
All right, Peg, let the couch have a little air
and go get that helmet.
And other symbols of my heroism.
Oh, all right.
Nobody cares, though.
Go, go.
I am Al Bundy.
Pause for applause.
The ovation dies down.
They sit.
Dad, I need to talk to you for a second.
Bud, I'm working on a speech right now.
Dad, when you were in school,
did a girl ever do something to you,
something so rotten, it actually ruined your whole life?
Yes, and you call that girl "Mom," now.
Well, what if she didn't actually marry me
but still did something real bad?
If you were gonna get revenge
that wouldn't be wrong, would it?
Son, let me tell you something about revenge.
This is something you're going to have to learn
before you can truly call yourself a man.
Revenge...
is great.
It's phenomenal.
It's the only thing
that separates us from the animals.
It's why I stay with your mother.
Now, son, if you have a chance
to get back at a girl who's wronged you,
do it.
Do it now, do it good, do it twice.
There'll be many women in your life, son,
but the one you got revenge on
will always be the sweetest of them all.
Thanks, Dad.
Hey.
Humiliate her for me, son.
You got it, Dad.
Husband, father, speaker.
How do I do it all?
Hey, did you find any of my football mementos
to show the fans?
Oh, I certainly did.
Your athletic supporter.
Gee. "X.S."
Must stand for "extra snug," huh?
Now, honey, would you like me to write
"front" and "back" on these,
like I do on your underwear?
Or do you think this "R.I.P." says it all?
Well, as long as we're writing on each other's underwear,
why don't you pass me a pair of yours
so I can draw the skull and crossbones.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Get that, will ya, sweetheart?
Uh-huh.
Hi.
Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
I just wanted you to know I'm holding up well
after being deserted by my husband.
What was his name? Oh, yes.
Doody-face.
Anyway, I know you're concerned
despite the fact that you haven't called,
or stopped by,
or even veered to the left
when I was lying in your driveway.
Well, Marcie, it's not that we don't care.
It's just that the McNuggets were getting cold.
Oh. Well.
No one could expect you to care about a friend
when you've got a greasy bag of fried vittles a-coolin'.
But, to answer the question: "How's she doin' now?"
The answer is: "She's doin' fine."
The crisis is over.
No more sitting at home for me. Uh-uh.
I'm gonna go out there and grab me a pocketful of life.
I'm gonna go, I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna experience everything
this bowl of cherries we call "life" has to offer.
So watch out, world!
Here comes Marcie Rhoades!
So whatcha doin'?
I'm trying to write a speech
for the homecoming dance tomorrow night.
Oh! Can I go?
I'm so alone. Please?
Just some sort of human contact.
A voice other than my own.
Oh, please, God, throw a dog a bone.
Oh, Al, my heart goes out to her.
We should let Marcie come.
She can buy gas and dinner afterwards.
Oh, all right.
Look, as long as I've got ya here,
let me try something out on ya.
Now, in my speech, I'm using a visual aid
to point out to the students the pitfalls in life.
This...
is your brain.
This is your brain...
on marriage.
[SPLAT]
Any questions?
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
But to answer the question:
"How's she doing now?"
The answer is: "She's doing fine."
Students.
Students...
and fellow homecoming-ers.
I'd like to introduce our guest speaker.
I was hoping to introduce someone famous
or even interesting.
Instead, I give you Al Bundy,
Polk High's Most Valuable Player of 1966.
Mr. Bundy?
Thank you.
This...
is your brain.
Here we are, my dear.
May I say, that's a lovely dress.
So light and airy.
Well, you should get a picture of me in it.
Oh, I will.
I already bought the frame.
Kelly, thanks for coming to the dance with me.
Why wouldn't I?
You're the only one for me, Jeff.
Uh, Rick.
Right.
Could you go get me some punch?
Kelly, thanks for meeting me tonight.
Why wouldn't I?
You're the only one for me, Rick.
Jeff.
Right.
Could you go get me some punch?
Sure, before you marry 'em, all women like football.
But as soon as you say, "I do," they put on 40 pounds,
and the only hike you'll see, is them hikin' up their pants
before they weld their butts to the sofa
for the rest of their worthless lives.
I work for a living.
Could I trouble you for a light?
Thank you.
Boom, ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom.
Hi there.
I'm Blum.
Electrical shop?
What would you say to you and me behind the bleachers?
It would never work out.
There's a light back there.
I could see you.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
You know, I'm really sorry
about what I did to you in the sixth grade.
Did you do something to me in the sixth grade?
Yeah, you know,
your underwear up the flagpole?
Was that you?
I'd totally forgotten.
Anyway, I was cruel to you.
And I'm really sorry.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Excuse me.
You're the only one for me--
Bud, what are you doing? Can't you see that I was working?
Kel, I'm thinking about calling it off.
I mean, she's sorry, and she really likes me now.
She told me so.
Bud, don't be a sucker your whole life.
Let me tell you something about men and women:
We're liars, and you're all idiots.
Watch.
I really like you.
Really?
Hey, everybody!
Kelly likes me!
Could I have your watch?
Oh. Well, it's my Dad's.
But sure.
Wait till the guys hear.
Hey, she likes me!
The prostitution rests.
So, what you're saying
in your own little talking-chimp kind of way,
is that she really doesn't like me?
How could she?
You're right.
Tonight, at 10:00,
the curtain goes up on Heather McCoy.
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
And you wanna talk flying wedge?
Let's talk about my mother-in-law.
People overuse the phrase, "As big as the earth,"
but kids, try to picture everyone you've ever known
under one muumuu.
I love being single.
I'm at peace with myself, really.
Oh, God.
I'll bet you don't know what I got in my pocket.
The rest of your belly?
Nope.
The key to the teachers' lounge.
So what say to you, me and a whole lotta carpet?
While I can't say that football is a metaphor
for every aspect of life,
there are similarities.
Oh!
My wedding night, for example...
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Shoes...
No kind of life for a man.
You know, I'm really glad I came here with you tonight.
You're so decent. A gentleman.
Wearing deodorant, too.
Wanna smell?
That's all right.
Listen...
let's go someplace, okay?
Hm...in a minute.
I know.
I owe you a skinny dip.
What do you say?
Uh, uh, "nyee-nyee."
Let's go.
What do I have to do to get someone to notice me?
[AIR WHISTLING]
[LAUGHING]
Now...
the moment you've all been waiting for.
[MUSIC FADES]
The recount of my last game at Polk High.
It was a frosty evening in November.
No, no, no, no.
Enough.
Hi, my name is Peggy...
uh, Smith.
And I, like you, can't take this anymore.
So now, I would like to introduce this year's M.V.P.
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
CROWD: Bundy! Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
Bundy! Bundy!
Bud, you can come out now.
I have a present for you.
Thanks, Kel.
I can't believe she did this to me again.
How am I gonna show my face in school?
Like you always do.
From behind a wall of Clearasil.
Aw, gee, thanks, sis.
I'm so glad to know that when I'm feeling low,
you're always there to make me feel like ooze.
Oh, chill out, ya little toadstool.
Believe me, tomorrow at school,
nobody's gonna be talking about you.
What do you mean?
Just come to school early and bring a camera.
Trust me, Heather and I had a little chat out in the hall
and we worked things out like ladies.
Buck, come here, boy.
Come here, boy.
[BELL RINGS]
[***]